The Vagina Monologue
Do you all have a “Most Embarrassing Moments of All Time” list??? I do. And….this weekend I added the big NUMBER 5! And- yes…we all do little silly things from one week to the next…like trip on a crack in the sidewalk. Heck- last summer I was running (in the VERY flat Ocean City, mind you)…and I fell. Like- flew up into the air-Ipod sailing across the street-total bail. Hurt myself badly, to boot. But…that doesn’t rank onto the all-time embarrassing moments list. I mean- it’s gotta be big.
That’s what she said.
Well- this weekend, I proudly added NUMBER 5.
Allow me to digress. So, when I do the laundry…JB always yells at me for using too much detergent. We use that super-eco-friendly-logical-sulfate-free-save-the-environement stuff. It lathers really muchly. But- I like the herbally lavendar scent….so I fill it to the brim. JB likes to point out that you only need less than half a capful. Oh, well….
Back to my main story. Saturday morning was a beautiful morning. By beautiful….I mean, ominous grey and charcoal clouds rolling in over electric green tree tops. Breeze blowing its warning. A storm is coming. I love this, and am only more excited to go out for my ten mile run. (Oh, if you are following…I skipped the May Half-Marathon…and am registered for an off-trail marathon in August!!)
So- I get to Valley Green…it’s this trail run in Fairmount Park. JB has to go home and change his tires on his bike…so I start my run with the dog. The sky opens up ceremoniously as if to say- “good luck on your run”. I don’t care…I LOVE IT!! The sky is gushing. I mean- I need winshiled wipers on my forehead. Bella and I are soaked… Up ahead I see an apparation…it is too early to be seeing things…flowing black gowns…like a ghost. It is a woman in a birka…in the rain. I am having some sort of moment…with the black sky, black birka, black rain, green trees….
Anyhow, I digress. Oh! Shit…it is pouring rain, it is 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning. You would not expect a crowd in the park, right? Hundreds of people are coming at me. Apparently there is some sort of 5K Walk on the trail today. Let me rephrase…apparently there is some sort of 5K VERY EFFING SLOW WALK with strollers, dogs, and babies on the trail today. I am landing in huge puddles to avoid this crowd. Every kid and its mom has a comment about my dog’s back-pack.
Nevermind. Focus, right. Or- practice for your race…there will be lots of other people there. No problem…I run on.
Finally I get to my 5-mile turnaround. Whew! I am soaked to my bones by now…my pants are a slick shiny black, clinging to my skin. I am running back, and all these people on the 5K walk are coming towards me. You are waiting for it, aren’t you?
Well- seems all that laundry detergent has come back to bite me in the ass. See- regardless of how fit I am….my thighs rub together when I run. So- since I am soaking wet, and there is friction happening in my upper thigh area, and I use too much laundry soap…
Do you need more help? I AM FRICKIN’ FROTHING AT THE VAGINA, PEOPLE!!!!! I have got 5 effing miles to go, tons of people are coming towards me slowly, and I look like I have rabies…of my vagina. The more I run- the more it is foaming!
I decide to risk dehydration and use the rest of my water bottle to douse my thighs and try to rid myself of the extra soap. It doesn’t work…I resume running…the sudsy froth reappears! Oh, great…here comes a group of teenage boys. Oh, great- I can hear their hysterical laughter now that they have passed me.
Mortified. I am only sharing this with all you good people because…well, it’s funny. Afterall, it is healthy to be able to laugh at oneself, isn’t it?
I finally catch up with JB. His response to his rabid wife: “Oh, man…sorry, hon.”
Uh, huh. I will no longer waste laundry detergent. Lesson learned. The hard way.
That’s what she said.
Yep…
